The KellyGram

Published by Bob Kelly

Resident Wordsmith and Quotemeister

WordCrafters, Inc.

www.wordcrafters.info

Providing the Right Word for Speakers, Writers, Ministry Leaders, Business Executives and Just Plain Folks — since 1979!

________________________________________________________________________

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Welcome to Issue 88 of The KellyGram!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s no coincidence that National Humor Month is celebrated in April, the same month in which Uncle Sam picks our pockets. Actually, that pocket-picking goes on all year long, but it comes to a head on April 15.

National Humor Month was launched in 1976 by best-selling humorist Larry Wilde, Director of the Carmel Institute of Humor. "Since April is often bleak and grim and taxes are due on the 15th, it can be one of the most stressful times of the year," says Wilde, author of 53 books on the subject of humor. "Besides," he adds, "it's the only month that begins with All Fool's Day — a day which has sanctioned frivolity and pranks ever since the 1500s."

Finding anything humorous about taxes is a bit challenging, but we hope you’ll discover at least a little to smile about in this issue. And, to learn more about Larry Wilde and National History Month, visit his website at www.larrywilde.com.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In This Issue:

• Fun with Words
• The Quote Corner (Taxes)
• Good Advice on Taking Notes
• A Classic Poem Revisited
• The Best of Success
• Smile Awhile
• Odds and Ends
• Answers to Fun with Words
• The Last Word

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FUN WITH WORDS

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your job is to identify the well-known phrases the following acronyms stand for. To help you, and in the spirit of the season, we’ve provided a clue for each one:

1. GYRA        The way taxes are going up, you’ll soon have to do this.
2. BTEB         Where our taxes are putting us.
3. WYFTTB   To pay taxes these days, you have to do this.
4. IHW           Where you’ll wind up if you don’t pay up.
5. OYR          Where filling out tax forms can drive you.

You'll find the correct answers elsewhere in this issue.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE QUOTE CORNER (Taxes)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Note: This is the third time we’ve featured quotes on this topic. They also appeared in our April 2004 and April 2006 issues, which are archived on our website, along with all other issues, which encompass quotations on about 70 different topics.)

An income tax form is like a laundry list — either way you lose your shirt.
    Fred Allen

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.
    Dave Barry

I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word ‘fair’ in connection with income tax policies.
    William F. Buckley Jr.

When more of the people's sustenance is exacted through the form of taxation than is necessary to meet the just obligations of government and expenses of its economical administration, such exaction becomes ruthless extortion and a violation of the fundamental principles of free government.
    Grover Cleveland

The collection of taxes which are not absolutely required, which do not beyond reasonable doubt contribute to the public welfare, is only a species of legalized larceny.
    Calvin Coolidge

The Declaration of Independence, the words that launched our nation — 1,300 words. The Bible, the word of God — 773,000 words. The Tax Code, the words of politicians — 7,000,000 words — and growing!
    Steve Forbes

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.
    Jay Leno

When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that an old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had only one before.
    H. L. Mencken

To lay with one hand the power of government on the property of a citizen, and with the other to bestow it on favored individuals ... is none the less robbery because it was done under the forms of law and is called taxation.
    Justice Samuel F. Miller

Taxation under every form presents but a choice of evils.
    David Ricardo

Noah must have taken into the Ark two taxes, one male and one female. And did they multiply bountifully! Next to guinea pigs, taxes must have been the most prolific animals.
    Will Rogers

Reaching into one's own pockets to assist his fellow man in need is praiseworthy and laudable. Reaching into someone else's pockets to do so is despicable and deserves condemnation.
    Walter E. Williams

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GOOD ADVICE ON TAKING NOTES!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the years, I had the privilege of hearing the late, great Charlie "Tremendous" Jones speak dozens of times. One of the most valuable lessons I learned from him came the first time I heard him speak. "Don't take notes on what a speaker says," he advised. "Take notes on the thoughts you get from what you hear. You must learn to listen less and think more, because the more you listen, the more you memorize, and try to be smarter. The more you think, the more you realize that it doesn't do you any good to be smart. It's better to be plain and simple and real."

That simple bit of advice has proven invaluable to me thousand and thousands of time, while reading books and listening to sermons and speeches, and even in casual conversation.

In a similar vein, another friend once introduced me to what he called "the hot pen technique," for recording ideas which interrupt our sleep in the middle of the night. All that’s required is a pen with a built-in light (yes, they’re available) and a small notepad, so you can capture that brilliant thought without getting out of bed.

Here’s what the late Earl Nightingale had to say on that subject: "Ideas are elusive, slippery things. Best to keep a pad of paper and a pencil at your bedside, so you can stab them during the night before they get away."

Nearly five hundred years ago, British philosopher Francis Bacon offered this advice: "Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable." Contemporary American author Stewart O’Nan put it even more succinctly: "If you don’t write it down, it’s gone."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A CLASSIC POEM REVISITED

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In 1921, a woman named Myra Brooks Welch anonymously submitted a poem titled The Touch of the Master’s Hand to her church magazine. It became famous but it would be several years before her identity was discovered. In 1936, it was one of the poems selected for inclusion in an anthology published by Doubleday & Company, titled The Best Loved Poems of the American People.

How the identity of the author was finally revealed and how she was able to write at all, though badly crippled by arthritis, are amazing stories which are told in my newest book, The Touch of the Master’s Hand: The Secret to Your Significance. It has just been released by Inspired Faith, a recently formed division of Simple Truths, LLC.

To preview the book, visit www.inspiredfaith.com, click on "Our Products," and then on the image of the book cover.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BEST OF SUCCESS

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m indebted to management consultant and former association CEO John Pearson for his kind review of my recently released book, The Best of Success: A Treasury of Inspiration. In the March 19 issue of his ezine, Your Weekly Staff Meeting, he wrote, in part: "When you’re not plumbing its depths for the right quotation for talks, newsletters or even board reports, his gorgeous coffee table book will inspire visitors in your reception area or friends and family in your home. . . . Buy this book and you’ll feel like a kid in a candy store."

Simple Truths, LLC, which published the book, recently released a three-and-a-half-minute color video of it. To view it, visit www.simpletruths.com, click on "View all gift books," then click on the book cover image and on "Watch the DVD movie."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SMILE AWHILE

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I recently read that one taxpayer filled out his income tax forms using Roman numerals. He reported that IRS officials were not amused. Why am I not surprised?

The following are a couple of letters reportedly sent to the IRS once upon a time:

Dear IRS,

I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.

and

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 1998 tax return and payment of $3,407. Please note the attached newspaper article, which reported that the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and that NASA paid $600 each for toilet seats.

Enclosed are four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), for a total payment of $3,429. Please apply the extra $22 to the "Presidential Election Fund."

It has been a pleasure paying my tax bill his year. Keep up the good work.

Note: The above letters are from sources deemed completely unreliable, and are specifically NOT recommended as appropriate methods of meeting one’s [seemingly ever growing] tax obligations.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ODDS AND ENDS

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back Issues:

All previous issues of The KellyGram, dating back to January 2003, are available on our website: http://www.wordcrafters.info/back_issues.html.

Privacy Policy:

Your privacy is very important to us. We assure you that under no circumstances will we share, distribute, publish, give away or sell our mailing lists or other information about you to any other party.

Reprint Permission:

You may copy or distribute excerpts from The KellyGram by using the following credit line: "The following is taken from the April 2010 issue of The KellyGram, and is used with permission." We will appreciate receiving copies of any publications in which you use materials contained herein. Thank you.

Subscribe/Unsubscribe:

If this issue was forwarded to you and you'd like to receive it regularly at no cost, please subscribe either by email at bob@kellygram.com or by using the form at http://www.wordcrafters.info/newsletters.html.

If you are currently a subscriber but no longer wish to receive The KellyGram from us, you may unsubscribe by clicking on the link above.

As always, I welcome your support. If you've found The KellyGram to be a helpful resource, I'd be grateful if you'd send this issue along to your friends, family members and colleagues. If they'd like to subscribe — it's FREE — all they have to do is send an email to bob@kellygram.com or use the form at http://www.wordcrafters.info/newsletters.html. Thanks so much!

Comments/Questions:

Your comments and questions are always welcome. Please contact us at bob@kellygram.com, or call Bob Kelly at (480) 895-7617.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANSWERS TO FUN WITH WORDS

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are the answers to this month’s puzzle:

1. GYRA:        Give Your Right Arm
2. BTEB:          Behind The Eight Ball
3. WYFTTB:   Work Your Fingers To The Bone
4. IHW:           In Hot Water
5. OYR:          Off Your Rocker

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE LAST WORD

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Did you ever notice this? When you put the words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together, they spell ‘Theirs.’"

(Loren Ekroth)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

© 2010 by Bob Kelly. All rights reserved.