The KellyGram

Wisdom and Wit About the Wonderful and Often Wacky World of Words

Published by Bob Kelly

Resident Wordsmith and Quotemeister

WordCrafters, Inc.

www.wordcrafters.info

Providing the Right Word for Speakers, Writers, Ministry Leaders, Business Executives and Just Plain Folks – since 1979!

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Volume 6 – Number 4 April 2008

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Welcome to Issue 64 of The KellyGram!

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After reading my tribute to Ogden Nash in our March issue, subscriber John Gillespie sent me his favorite Nash poem, titled The Purist.

I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."

I hadn’t seen it before, so I’m grateful to John for bringing it to my attention. It’s not only a delightful bit of verse, but a good reminder of the importance of choosing the right word, whatever the circumstances. After all, as Mark Twain so famously reminded us: "The difference between the almost-right word and the right word is really a large matter – ‘tis the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning."

If, in your endeavors, choosing the right word tends to bug you from time to time, allow us to serve as your Professor Twist.

As I’ve been mentioning, one of my goals this year is to increase the number of our subscribers. So, if you’ve found The KellyGram to be a helpful resource, I’d be grateful if you’d send this issue along to your friends, family members and colleagues. If they’d like to subscribe – it’s FREE – all they have to do is send an email to bob@kellygram.com or use the form at http://www.wordcrafters.info/newsletters.html. Thanks so much!

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In This Issue:

Fun with Words
The Quote Corner (Language)
The Fine Art of Malingering
Smile Awhile
Odds and Ends
The Last Word

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FUN WITH WORDS

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Long-time friends and KellyGram subscribers Kay and Dick Erb sent me this fascinating little word puzzle:

What nine-letter word in the English language becomes a different, recognizable and commonly used English word each time one of the letters is removed, without rearranging the order of the remaining letters? (Prefixes, suffixes, abbreviations, contractions, proper names, etc. do not count.)

I don’t know if there’s more than one word where this will work, so here are a couple of clues to get you started on this one. The one-letter word is "I," which limits your choice of two-letter words to "If," "In," "Is" or "It." The nine-letter word contains only two vowels, and the only letter used more than once is "T."

You’ll find the correct answers elsewhere in this issue.

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THE QUOTE CORNER (Language)

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Among the English-speaking nations of the world, there’s been a long-standing debate about which of these nations uses our not-so-common language properly. George Bernard Shaw, famed Irish playwright of a century ago, once commented: "England and America are two countries divided by a common language." And his contemporary, Oscar Wilde, noted: "We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language."

In 1956, "My Fair Lady," a musical based on Shaw’s play, "Pgymalion," opened on Broadway. With music by Frederick Loewe and lyrics by Alan Jay Lerner, it would become one of the most popular Broadway musicals in history. In it, Professor Henry Higgins, played originally by Rex Harrison, sings about how poorly the English language is spoken everywhere. Its title: "Why Can’t the English Teach Their Children How to Speak?"

The lyrics include this lament:

"Oh, why can’t the English learn to set
A good example to people whose
English is painful to your ears?
The Scotch and the Irish leave you close to tears.
There even are places where English completely
disappears. In America, they haven’t used it for years!"

Were he alive today, Professor Higgins would probably find little reason to change his mind. Nevertheless, this ever-changing language of ours can still transport us to the heights, as well as the depths.

Language is the armory of the human mind, and at once contains the trophies of its past and the weapons of its future conquests.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Language is the apparel in which your thoughts parade before the public. Never clothe them in vulgar or shoddy attire.
George Crane

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?
Clarence Darrow

It’s a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
Franklin P. Jones

Language is a wonderful thing. It can be used to express our thoughts, to conceal our thoughts, or to replace thinking.
John Martin

The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that…it not only borrows words from other languages; it has on occasion chased other languages down dark alley-ways, clubbed them unconscious and rifled their pockets for new vocabulary.
James Nicoll

Modern English is full of bad habits which spread by imitation and which can be avoided if one is willing to take the necessary trouble.
George Orwell

The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declared aims, one turns, as it were, instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish squirting out ink.
George Orwell

No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.
Sam Rayburn

Perhaps of all the creations of man language is the most astonishing.
Lytton Strachey

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin

Language is not an abstract construction of the learned, or of dictionary makers, but is something arising out of the work, needs, ties, joys, affections, tastes, of long generations of humanity, and has its bases broad and low, close to the ground.
Noah Webster

(Note: These quotations are taken from our collection of more than 400 published volumes of quotations and 1.5 million entries. If you’re looking for some quotes on virtually any subject, send us an email at bob@kellygram.com, or call us at 480-895-7617. Or, if you have a quote topic you’d like us to feature in an upcoming issue, email it to us and we’ll get it on the schedule.)

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THE FINE ART OF MALINGERING!

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In a recent issue (2/9/08) of his always entertaining and informative weekly ezine, World Wide Words, Michael Quinion replied to those who ask him about his day job. "Insofar as I have one," he says, "it is as a freelance field worker for the Oxford English Dictionary, always on the watch for new or interesting words [and terms]."

Among those he listed in this issue was "strategic incompetence," defined as "a sudden inability to do a job as a way of avoiding undesirable tasks." Well, the term itself may be new, but, as I reported to Michael, it’s a technique a good friend of mine named Leo Chiolero has been using for years – a technique he calls "planned incompetence." He finds it handy when he wants to go fishing, which is most of the time.

His wife, Carol, is much too sharp to be taken in by this not too subtle ruse, but is good-natured enough to let him get away with it – most of the time.

Just as I was ready to give Leo full credit for inventing this ploy, I came across yet another Ogden Nash poem which was new to me. Titled "The Joyous Malingerer," it includes these lines:

"Who is the happy husband? Why, indeed,
’Tis he who’s useless in the time of need…

If faced with washing up he never gripes,
But simply drops more dishes than he wipes.
She finds his absence preferable to his aid,
And thus all mealtime chores doth he evade.

He can, attempting to replace a fuse,
Black out the coast from Boston to Newport News,
Or, hanging pictures, be the rookie wizard
Who fills the parlor with a plaster blizzard.
He’ll not again be called to competition
With decorator or with electrician…"

We don’t often hear the word "malingerer" these days, but it has long been used to describe the person who feigns physical and/or mental illness for a particular purpose, such as avoiding work. Nash, however, has broadened its meaning to include those who use premeditated incompetence rather than illness to achieve their goal.

Some two hundred years ago, Jane Austen, the famous English novelist, wrote: "If there is anything disagreeable going on, men are sure to get out of it." So, let’s face it, guys, they’re on to us. However, lest this be seen as a subterfuge used primarily by those of us of the male gender, be aware that we’re not alone. Wikipedia notes that, "Malingering is more common among women than among men."

Enough said!

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SMILE AWHILE

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A husband and wife go to a Chinese restaurant for dinner, and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, describes what’s happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please, sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter. "I bring you Peeking Duck."

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ODDS AND ENDS

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Back Issues:

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Comments/Questions:

Your comments and questions are always welcome. Please contact us at bob@kellygram.com, or call Bob Kelly at (480) 895-7617.

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Answer to Fun with Words:

Here’s the startling answer to this month’s puzzle:

I
I N
S I N
S I N G
S T I N G
S T R I N G
S T A R I N G
S T A R T I N G
S T A R T L I N G

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THE LAST WORD

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Ogden Nash’s Professor Twist would have had something to say about this item, which appeared in a book I was recently reading. The author told of a man who "became the father of a pair of twin boys." The good professor would certainly have recognized it as a classic example of tautology (a needless repetition of an idea, statement or word), similar to "a trio of triplets" or "a quartet of quadruplets."

Folks like Professor Twist can play an important role in helping authors avoid such gaffes.

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