The KellyGram

Wisdom and Wit About the Wonderful and Often Wacky World of Words

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RESOLUTION POLLUTION OUR SOLUTION!

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Are you getting tired of reading or hearing about New Years Resolutions? So am I! It seems theres hardly a magazine, newspaper or broadcast outlet that hasnt weighed in on the subject in recent weeks. And the worse part is that their stories are the same as they were last year and the year before that, and a decade or century ago.

News flash #1 (late December/early January): everyones making resolutions. News flash #2 (mid-January/early February): ____ percent have already broken their resolutions. Even the federal government has gotten into the act, which may be the last straw.

To see a classic example of your tax dollars at work, take a peek at the U.S. Government's official web portal at http://www.usa.gov, and click on the "Popular New Years Resolutions" link, where youll find the usual suspects: lose weight, eat less, exercise more, quit smoking, be kind to IRS agents, blah, blah, blah.

To give the feds a bit of credit (unheard of for me), the site actually does offer some sound (albeit well-known) tips on accomplishing those goals (except for the IRS agents bit).

So, now that Ive made you even more tired of all this jabber about resolutions, let me finish by telling you a bit about how this whole ridiculous tradition got started.

In The Customs of Mankind, written in 1925, author Lillian Eichler wrote: "In ancient England it was the custom to clean out the chimneys on New Years Day so that luck could descend and, of course, remain all year. With us it is customary to speak of cleaning the slate and making good resolutions so the slate will remain clean throughout the year."

In The Years Festivals, written in 1903, author Helen Patten noted that "some make the effort to shake themselves free from their old years garment, worn and tattered and patched, in exchange for one which they hope to wear unspotted for a twelvemonth."

At about that same time, an article in Will Carletons Magazine poured a bit of cold water on such optimism. The author noted: "Some people have a regular practice of making New Year resolutions generally shattering them before January has hidden its cold head out of sight."

So weve been at this for 125 years or more, and nothing seems to have changed. Enough already! If you choose to quit smoking, lose weight, get a facelift or a nose job, whatever, be my guest! Just be sure you have a Happy New Year!

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THIS JUST IN!

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In a media release date January 4, 2008, the American Dialect Society has announced that its members have elected "subprime" as the 2007 "Word of the Year." Subprime is an adjective used to describe a risky or less than ideal loan, mortgage or investment.

The term "Word of the Year" is interpreted in its broader sense as "vocabulary item"not just words but phrases. The words or phrases do not have to be brand new, but they have to be newly prominent or notable in the past year.

The vote is the longest-running such vote anywhere, and the only one not tied to commercial interests. Members in the 118-year-old organization include linguists, lexicographers, etymologists, grammarians, historians, researchers, writers, authors, editors, professors, university students, and independent scholars. In conducting the vote, they act in fun and do not pretend to be officially inducting words into the English language. Instead, they are highlighting that language change is normal, ongoing, and entertaining.

The society also chooses winners in various categories, including Most Useful, Most Creative, Most Unnecessary, and Least Likely to Succeed. Among the Most Useful was "wrap rage," defined as "anger brought on by the frustration of trying to open a factory-sealed purchase." Rated as Most Creative was "googlegänger," defined as "a person with your name who shows up when you google yourself."

In the March 2004 issue of The KellyGram, I described the humbling experience I had when I googled "Bob Kelly." After finding more than three million googlegängers listed, I decided not to try that again.

The choice for Most Unnecessary Word was "Happy Kwanhanamas," an ill-advised attempt to stuff Kwanzaa, Hanukkah and Christmas wishes into a "one size fits all" greeting.

This is the 18^th year the society has conducted this exercise. All its selections, many of them very humorous indeed, may be found on its website at www.americandialect.org.

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SMILE AWHILE

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This item has been around for several years, but I just came across it again in my Humor files, and decided to resurrect it. I believe it first appeared in a Canadian newspaper about a decade ago, and was picked up by Ann Landers, who used it in one of her columns. The person submitting it says it includes actual answers from a test about Bible knowledge.

1. Noahs wife was Joan of Ark.
2. Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
3. Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.
4. The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
5. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
6. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
7. The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 Decibels.
8. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
9. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
10. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

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ODDS AND ENDS

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Answer to Fun with Words:

DIRTY ROOM becomes: DORMITORY

MOON STARER becomes: ASTRONOMER

THEY SEE becomes: THE EYES

CASH LOST IN ME becomes: SLOT MACHINES

ALAS! NO MORE Zs becomes: SNOOZE ALARMS

IM A DOT IN PLACE becomes: A DECIMAL POINT

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THE LAST WORD

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"Life is no brief candle for me. Its a sort of splendid torch which Ive got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."

(George Bernard Shaw)

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© 2008 by Bob Kelly. All rights reserved.