The KellyGram

Wisdom and Wit About the Wonderful and Often Wacky World of Words

According to news reports, most car seats for children are installed wrong. Much of the finger pointing has been aimed at the seat makers, for alleged failure to provide clear installation instructions.

Having often struggled with instructions for assembling various products for kids, were not about to jump to the defense of the seat makers. However, at least one report we read included information everyone who writes anything on any subject should know and follow!

This report cited studies showing that 25 percent of American adults can read at no higher than the fifth-grade level. Another 25 percent top out at the eighth-grade level. Add in those who cant read at all, and the sad fact is that fewer than half of American adults can even comprehend material aimed at high school freshmen.

How readable is your writing? Have you every checked? There are several tools to readily calculate it. Some, such as the Gunning-Mueller Fog Index, express it in numbers equal to the education level needed to comprehend it. However, according to The Wall Street Journal, "People prefer to read well below their education level, and at a fog index of 13college freshmaneven a Ph.Ds eyes may start to glaze a bit. At 17 virtually the whole audience has fled."

Business magazines average between 10 and 11, with general consumer magazines even lower. So, keep those numbers in mind when you write. Dont try to show people how extensive a vocabulary you have; you want them to read what youve written.

Weve analyzed writing samples for many clients, and have seen fog indexes as high as 21! (The index for this article is 8.9.) If youd like to send us a brief sample of your writing (up to about 200 words), well be happy to check its readability for you, at no cost.

And, if we can help by ghostwriting, editing and/or proofing that "must" manuscript of yours, please contact us. Theres never a charge or obligation for the initial consultation.

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A WEB SITE WORTH CHECKING

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For word lovers, a Web site thats an absolute MUST is verbivore.com, hosted by that incomparable word maven, Richard Lederer. According to him, a verbivore is someone who devours words, although well just have to take his word for it, because he apparently invented it. I cant find it in any of my dictionaries, including the oversized, 2500-page one that it takes two people to lift.

On the home page, our host greets us with these inviting words: "If you are heels over head (as well as head over heels) in love with words, tarry here a while to graze or, perhaps, feast on the English language."

And a feast it truly is, which is what any Lederer fan has come to expect from the man whose nicknames include "The Wizard of Idiom," "Attila the Pun," and "Conan the Grammarian."

But be warned. Once you visit his site, and start clicking on some of the links that are listed, youll have a hard time leaving, especially if you are indeed a verbivore.

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SMILE AWHILE

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A guy goes into a diner one morning and tells the waitress, whos new: "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and two running boards."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the cook.  "This guy just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and two running boards. What does he think this is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook says. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then serves a bowl of beans to the customer.

The guy says, "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."

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ODDS AND ENDS

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Answer to Fun with Words:

A L A B A M A

S E L M A

P A N A M A

Y U M A

H I R O S H I M A

B U R M A

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THE LAST WORD

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In an effort to help the environment, Sheryl Crow has proposed using only one square of toilet paper when going to the bathroom. In a related story, dont ever shake hands with Sheryl Crow.

(Conan OBrien)

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© 2007 by Bob Kelly. All rights reserved.