The KellyGram

Wisdom and Wit About the Wonderful and Often Wacky World of Words

His name was William Archibald Spooner and he was born in London in 1844. He became an Anglican priest and a noted scholar, affiliated for 60 years with Oxford University, where he held various leadership posts, and taught philosophy and history. Brilliant though he was, he most likely would have been long since forgotten had it not been for his habitual slips of the tongue, which gave rise to the word "spoonerism."

Spoonerisms are defined as "the transposition of [usually] the initial sounds of two or more words," resulting in unintended but often hilarious results. For example, on one occasion, Reverend Spooner raised a toast to Queen Victoria with these words: "Three cheers for our queer old dean," and on another occasion, he praised British farmers as "noble tons of soil."

During a chapel service, he proclaimed that "the Lord is a shoving leopard," and during a wedding ceremony, advised the groom that "it is now kisstomary to cuss the bride." He reportedly once accused a less than diligent student of having "tasted two worms" in college, and said to a woman in his church: "Madam, this pie is occupewed. May I sew you to another sheet?"

There remains some question as to how many of these statements Spooner actually made, and he himself despised that dubious recognition, and denied making many of the statements attributed to him. Shortly before his death in 1930, he admitted to only one such slip when, during a worship service, he introduced a hymn as "Kinkering Congs Our Titles Take."

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THE PC POLICE AT IT AGAIN!

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According to recent news reports, another university has recently succumbed to the dictates of those nincompoops at the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) who ruled out the use of Indian nicknames and mascots for collegiate sports teams, choosing to ignore the fact that some schools had received the approval of local Indian tribes to use such names, considering it to be an honor.

Such was the case at the University of Illinois, where the board of trustees decided that their long-time mascot, Chief Illiniwek, had to be sacrificed on the altar of political correctness.

Well, as I did in the September 2005 issue of The KellyGram, I must once again raise my voice in protest at what I consider blatant discrimination on the part of the NCAA poobahs. Its not because theyve gone too far, but rather not far enough. It seems to me that what applies to the Indians should also apply to other ethnic groups, such as the Irish.

For example, it distresses me deeply that the University of Notre Dame teams are known, and have been for decades, as "The Fighting Irish." One glance at a photo of any Notre Dame team, or reading a list of the players names, makes it apparent that not all the team members can claim Irish ancestry. Should we not provide relief to those players of other races and nationalities who are unjustly, not to mention inaccurately, labeled as "Irish"?

However, my primary objection is that I find the adjective "Fighting" warlike, demeaning and inaccurate when used to describe the Irish. Im unaware of any other institutions that use such pejorative appellations to describe their teams, no "Fighting Italians" or "Belligerent Bulgarians," for example.

Its well-known that we Irish are, in fact, a romantic, peace-loving lot, given more to writing poetry than to waging war. Therefore, I submit that the name "The Fighting Irish" has to go. I find it inaccurate and personally offensive, as well as politically incorrect and unacceptable, and demand that the NCAA require Notre Dame officials to abolish it. Otherwise, I may have to take a shillelagh and knock some sense into them.

Besides, "The Friendly Irish" has a much nicer ring to it, dont you think?

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A WEBSITE WORTH CHECKING

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In doing some research on spoonerisms, I came across a delightful website: www.fun-with-words.com. It not only has lots of examples of spoonerisms, but also covers anagrams, palindromes, oxymorons, pangrams, malapropisms, mnenomics, ambiguities and a host of other word-related topics, including our old friends, Tom Swifties (see the "Smile Awhile" feature below).

Its a site thats both educational and entertaining, and well worth your time. Enjoy!

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SMILE AWHILE

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As some of you may recall, we featured "Tom Swifties" in several issues last year, but receiving some outrageous ones from readers, we decide to put Tom out of his misery.

However, on the "fun-with-words" website I discovered (see "A Website Worth Checking" above), I found a whole lot of Swifties I hadnt seen before, so I felt the need to bring old Tom back to life. Of the more than 400 entries on the site, I selected a few for your amusement, or perhaps your dismay.

"Oops! There goes my hat!" said Tom off the top of his head.

"A spirit transported me from the couch to the chair," said Tom, visibly moved.

"Im losing my hair," Tom bawled.

"Ive struck oil!" said Tom crudely.

"The situation is grave," Tom said cryptically.

"Dont let me drown in Egypt!" pleaded Tom, deep in denial.

"The doctor had to remove my left ventricle," said Tom half-heartedly.

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ODDS AND ENDS

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Answer to Fun with Words:

The complete words are:

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THE LAST WORD

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According to an item in Readers Digest, the following are actual questions librarians have been asked:

• "Can you tell me why so many Civil War battles were fought in national parks?"
• "Do you have any books with photos of dinosaurs?"
• "I need to find out Ibids first name for my bibliography."

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© 2007 by Bob Kelly. All rights reserved.