The KellyGram

Wisdom and Wit About the Wonderful and Often Wacky World of Words

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In September, I spoke on writing and editing for the Authors and Speakers Roundtable at the Arizona Small Business Association. Our MC was my client and NSA colleague, Lenny Tumbarello, author of the recently published No Balance Due, an excellent book on how to get out and stay out of debt. I had the privilege of working with him during the books development stages, and we became good friends.

Lennys a genuine "character," in the very best sense of the word. His approach to life is upbeat, offbeat and fun, so it wasnt at all surprising that he came up with a brand new twist to the self-introductions, one that was both highly entertaining and informative.

He began with a quote from legendary advertising genius Leo Burnett, who launched his own agency in 1935, during the Great Depression. It almost went under during those early years but, by the time of Burnetts death in 1971, it had annual revenues of $400 million, which have now reached $6 billion. A few years ago, TIME magazine named him among the "100 Most Important People of the 20^th Century."

The Burnett quote was this: "Dull and exaggerated copy is due to the excess use of adjectives." As proof, Burnett asked his staff to compare the number of adjectives in 62 ads which had failed to those in various classics. In the failed ads, adjectives amounted to nearly one-quarter of the words, while the other works averaged about half that figure. Burnetts conclusion: use fewer adjectives and more verbs, which increase the believability of stories, articles and promotional materials.

Lenny provided each attendee with a five-column list of verbs, 108 in all, and challenged us to incorporate as many as we could in our brief self-introductions. Our resident Disney expert, Rich Hamilton, was the runaway winner, squeezing 20 of the verbs into his two-minute introduction. Nice work, Rich!

In his anti-adjectives position, Burnett was in good company. Larry McMurtry, author of 27 novels and winner of the 1986 Pulitzer Prize for Lonesome Dove, wrote: "Hold the philosophy, hold the adjectives, just give us a plain subject and verb and perhaps a wholesome, nonfattening adverb or two."

Mark Twain offered this advice: "As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out." And the late Clifton Fadiman, noted intellectual and host of the long-running radio and television quiz show, Information Please, called the adjective "the banana peel of the parts of speech."

So, if you want to avoid slip-ups in your writing, keeping those adjectives to a minimum is advice worth taking.

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ARE THERE ANY NEWS?

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This month (11/29) marks the 134^th anniversary of the death of legendary newspaperman Horace Greeley, who served as editor of the New York Herald Tribune, then the nations most influential newspaper, from 1840 until shortly before his death in 1872. Well-known for his outspoken and often radical views, hes perhaps best remembered today for the famous statement: "Go West, Young Man," which he used in an 1865 editorial.

Ironically, he didnt originate the term, which had been used 14 years earlier in an article by John B.L. Soule in an Indiana newspaper. As it grew in popularity, Greeley, to his credit, reprinted Soules article, acknowledging him as its source.

A pet peeve of Greeleys was the use of the word "news" as singular. In his view, the term "Is there any news?" was bad grammar. When he once sent a telegram to one of his reporters, asking "ARE THERE ANY NEWS?" the response he got was "NOT A NEW."

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PLANNING A BOOK? WE CAN HELP!

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Are you ready to finally finish writing that book youve been thinking about for so long? Why not? Lots and lots of others are doing so. But the numbers are awfully intimidating. According to R.R. Bowker, LLC, 172,000 books were published in 2005. And, a book by a typical author averages a mere 11,800 copies sold.

To be successful in a very crowded marketplace, and to beat that average, there are two essentials. First, it has to be very well-written and highly readable, and, second, you must be prepared to spend a considerable amount of time, energy and money to market it. It doesnt matter if you self-publish or use a traditional publisher, sales of your book will depend on Y-O-U.

I dont do book marketing, but can direct you to some folks wholl work with you. However, I can certainly help you, as I have many other authors, put together a book youll be proud to put your name on. Whether you need it ghostwritten, edited, proofread, or some combination thereof, Ill be happy to consult with you about it.

For 27 years, Ive been doing just that for dozens of satisfied clients. I guarantee my work, and never charge a fee for an initial review or consultation. Call me at (480) 895-7617, or email me at bob@kellygram.com, and let me show you how you can look good on paper.

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SMILE AWHILE

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Global Economics Bovine Style

• Democrat: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
  Republican: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
• Capitalism, American Style: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
• Bureaucracy, American Style: You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
• American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. Youre surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating youve downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
• French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
• Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so theyre one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
• German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so theyre all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
• Taliban Corporation: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You dont milk them because you cannot touch any creatures private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the U.S. government to find alternatives to milk production, but use the money to buy weapons.
• Iraqi Corporation: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
• California Corporation: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

(My thanks to longtime close friend Bob Nease for this lesson in economics.)

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ODDS AND ENDS

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A FINAL WORD

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(Supreme Court Justice Louis D. Brandeis)

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© 2006 by Bob Kelly. All rights reserved.