The KellyGram

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Are you as fed up with advertising as I am? I thought wed sunk about as low as possible when one couple, apparently taking a clue from sports teams which sell naming rights to their arenas, announced that they would sell the naming rights to their baby to the highest bidder, with bids starting at $500,000. That was a couple of years ago, and we never did find out who won, but it would have served those parents right if it had been the makers of Preparation H (Good old Mom and Dad would probably have charged extra for that middle initial).

Others have sold space on their heads, and other portions of their anatomy, to advertisers. Now, CBS, apparently not content to saturate its so-called news shows and other programs with incessant advertising, has come up with a new twist. The network has announced that, beginning this month, it will imprint its logo, and promotional slogans for its programs, on eggs 35 million of them in all!

I guess thats to be expected from the network thats become expert at laying eggs the largest of them being the ostrich-sized one that led to the departure of old Danny Boy. You can be sure theyll bring out every egg pun imaginable, to the point where well never want to see another egg.

Weve learned that their slogans may include such gems as: "CSI" ("Crack the Case on CBS"); "The Amazing Race" ("Scramble to Win on CBS"); and "Shark" ("Hard-Boiled Drama."). Variations on the ad for its Monday night lineup of comedy shows reportedly include "Shelling Out Laughs," "Funny Side Up" and "Leave the Yolks to Us."

We dont know whose idea this was but perhaps it came from the egg producer itself the hen as the following anonymous poem suggests:

The codfish lays ten thousand eggs, the homely hen lays one.

The codfish never cackles, to tell you when shes done.

And so we scorn the catfish, while the humble hen we prize,

Which only goes to show you that it pays to advertise!

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SWIFTIES THEYRE BACK!

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The last time we exposed our readers to "Swifties" (see our May 2006 issue), a few of you caught the bug. I probably shouldnt be encouraging this sort of thing but, in my view, the worse they are, the better. So, here goes:

Christel Hall apologized in advance by writing: "These are really bad, but here you go."

• "Lets go chase the sheep," Tom said rambunctiously.
• "Pass the sugar, please," Susan said sweetly.
• "No, I want to take all four Labs for a walk," Tom said doggedly.

Chuck Shores called this one his all-time favorite, and Im inclined to agree.

• "Youre as lovely as Venus de Milo," Tom said disarmingly.

Im afraid its even spreading to my family. My daughter Mary sent along this one:

• "I just won the lottery," said Tom fortunately.

And from Matthew Sichel, my grandson-in-law:

• "I caught three lightning bugs," said Tom glowingly.

Ill close with these:

• "Im sorry I broke your window," said Tom painfully.
• "I really enjoy painting," said Tom easily.
• "Ive had a rough seven days," said Tom weakly.
• "Lets shake on that," said Tom handily.

If youve had enough, let me know, and Ill do away with old Tom. And you can blame my friend and colleague Barbara McNichol, who got all this started in the January 2006 of her great ezine, The Door Opener, which we first told you about in the February issue of The KellyGram.

If youre still not ready to beg for mercy, send us a few Swifties of your own. If theyre bad enough, well be sure to use them.

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CELEBRATING WHAT?

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The health club where I work out has a bank of television sets facing the treadmills. Each is tuned to a different channel, with the sound turned off and the words transcribed as theyre spoken, and shown on the screen.

  One day recently, I spotted Vice President Cheney being interviewed, but was quite puzzled when the copy read that he was celebrating an arm cyst. It wasnt specified if the celebration was caused by the cysts appearance or removal. In either case, it seemed a rather odd thing to be celebrating.

It later turned out that he had commented on the fact that the day marked the anniversary of the armistice which ended the Korean Conflict proving once again that whatever can be misunderstood will be misunderstood.

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PLANNING A BOOK? WE CAN HELP!

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Is this the year youre finally going to finish writing that book youve been thinking about for so long? Why not? Lots and lots of others are doing so. But the numbers are awfully intimidating. According to R.R. Bowker, LLC, there were 195,000 books published in 2004, an all-time high, and an increase of 72 percent since 1995. And, a book by a typical author averages a mere 11,800 copies sold.

To be successful in a very crowded marketplace, and to beat that average, there are two essentials. First, it has to be very well-written and highly readable, and, second, you must be prepared to spend a considerable amount of time, energy and money to market it. It doesnt matter if you self-publish or use a traditional publisher, sales of your book will depend on Y-O-U.

I dont do book marketing, but can direct you to some folks wholl work with you. However, I can certainly help you, as I have many other authors, put together a book youll be proud to put your name on. Whether you need it ghostwritten, edited, proofread, or some combination thereof, Ill be happy to consult with you about it.

Im beginning my 27^th year of doing just that for dozens of satisfied clients. I guarantee my work, and never charge a fee for an initial review or consultation. Call me at (480) 895-7617, or email me at bob@kellygram.com, and let me show you how you can look good on paper.

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SMILE AWHILE

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Ed was in big trouble. Hed forgotten his wedding anniversary, and his wife was really furious. She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in six seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back into the house. When she opened it, she found a brand new bathroom scale!

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

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ODDS AND ENDS

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A FINAL WORD

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This just in: A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blown apart.

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© 2006 by Bob Kelly. All rights reserved.