The KellyGram

Wisdom and Wit About the Wonderful and Often Wacky World of Words

Published by Bob Kelly

Resident Wordsmith and Quotemeister

WordCrafters, Inc.

www.wordcrafters.info

Providing the Right Word for Speakers, Writers, Ministry Leaders and Business Executives – since 1979!

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Volume 4 – Number 4 April 2006

In This Issue:

The Quote Corner (Taxes)
A New Word Its a Lulu!
Ballyhoo, Buckaroo, and Spuds
Planning a Book?
Tax Talk
Smile Awhile
Odds and Ends
A Final Word

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THE QUOTE CORNER (Taxes)

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With April upon us, its only fair to warn you that, in years past, a lot of disasters have taken place during this 30-day period. They include the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, the sinking of the Titanic, and the start of World War I. But, as we all know, theres another event that occurs every April which qualifies as a disaster for many the filing of income tax returns. That probably explains why April is designated as Stress Awareness Month and especially as Alcohol Awareness Month.

On a brighter note, its also National Humor Month, and its in that spirit that we present the following quotations:

As a taxpayer, you are required to be fully in compliance with the United States Tax Code, which is currently the size and weight of the Budweiser Clydesdales. (Dave Barry)

Taxation with representation aint so hot either. (Gerald Barzan)

The point to remember is that what the government gives it must first take away. (John Strider Coleman)

Anyone whos ever filed a tax return or visited the Department of Motor Vehicles understands that government does two things well: spend our money and waste our time. (Ed Feulner)

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half the money. (Arthur Godfrey)

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. (H.L. Mencken)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. (P.J. O'Rourke)

Where there is an income tax, the just man will pay more and the unjust less on the same amount of income. (Plato)

Government does not tax to get the money it needs; government always finds a need for the money it gets. (Ronald Reagan)

The taxpayer thats someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take a civil service examination. (Ronald Reagan)

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that dont get wet you can keep. (Will Rogers)

I dont know if I can live on my income or not the government wont let me try it. (Bob Thaves)

The IRS has a special toll-free number for persons having problems figuring their tax forms. Its designed especially for those who like to listen to busy signals. (Pat Williams/Ken Hussar)

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. (Herman Wouk)

If those quotes dont bring a smile to your face, consider the fact that April 15 this year falls on a Saturday, giving us an extra 48 hours to get those returns in the mail.

(Note: These quotations are taken from our collection of nearly 400 published volumes of quotations and 1.5 million entries. If youre looking for some quotes on virtually any subject, send us an email at bob@kellygram.com, or call us at 480-895-7617. Or, if you have a quote topic youd like us to feature in an upcoming issue, email it to us and well get it on the schedule.)

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A NEW WORD AND ITS A LULU!

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No, the new word were referring to isnt "Lulu," which has been around since the 19^th century, and is a slang term for something [or someone] "remarkable or wonderful." The word weve just learned is "blook," which, according to the folks at www.lulu.com, "is a book based on a blog or website."

It seems all you have to do is gather your blog or website materials and send them along to Lulu, Inc., a publishing company which bills itself as "the worlds fastest growing source of print-on-demand books." The best part is that there are no advance fees charged to the authors or, as theyre referred to in LuluLand get ready blauthors!

There are even awards for the best blooks. Last October, the company announced the establishing of The LuLu Blooker Prize, "the worlds first literary prize devoted to blooks." According to Lulu CEO Bob Young, it was launched to commemorate the 450^th anniversary of Gutenbergs landmark invention of movable type in 1455. "Blooks," claims Young, "are the latest landmark in the history of books."

The finalists for the 2006 Blookers, which are given in three categories (fiction, non-fiction, comics), have already been selected but it isnt too soon to submit your entries for the 2007 prizes. Forms are available at www.lulublookerprize.com. Theres been no report so far on what a Blooker will look like, but its certain to be a lulu.

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BALLYHOO, BUCKAROO, AND SPUDS

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Have you ever wondered where such terms as "dead as a doornail," "proof of the pudding," "the cats meow," "raining cats and dogs," "cut the mustard," and similar expressions originated? If so, youre bound to enjoy a book titled Ballyhoo, Buckaroo, and Spuds, a copy of which arrived on my doorstep recently, and which traces the history of about two hundred such sayings.

Subtitled Ingenious Tales of Words and Their Origins, it was written by British author and prominent wordsmith Michael Quinion. Youve probably heard stories about where and how some of these sayings originated but, according to Quinion, those stories are probably wrong.

This delightful book is an excellent resource for any word lover, and I wish I knew the name of the person who was thoughtful enough to send me a copy. It was addressed to me at "The KellyGram Newsletter," which suggests it came from one of our readers, but the senders name was omitted.

It you were that kind person, I wish youd let the cat out of the bag. In the meantime, thank you, whoever you are! Your gift is the bees knees, the cats pajamas, and the whole nine yards, and made me happy as a clam.

Quinion, by the way, hosts and writes World Wide Words on the Internet. To check his site, and to subscribe to his free weekly newsletter, visit www.worldwidewords.org.

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PLANNING A BOOK? IT HAD BETTER BE GOOD!

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Is 2006 the year youre finally going to finish writing that book youve been thinking about for so long? Why not? Lots and lots of others are doing so. But the numbers are awfully intimidating. According to R.R. Bowker, LLC, there were 195,000 books published in 2004, an all-time high, and an increase of 72 percent since 1995. And, a book by a typical author averages a mere 11,800 copies sold.

To be successful in a very crowded marketplace, and to beat that average, there are two essentials. First, it has to be very well-written and highly readable, and, second, you must be prepared to spend a considerable amount of time, energy and money to market it. It doesnt matter if you self-publish or use a traditional publisher, sales of your book will depend on Y-O-U.

I dont do book marketing, but can direct you to some folks wholl work with you. However, I can certainly help you, as I have many other authors, put together a book youll be proud to put your name on. Whether you need it ghostwritten, edited, proofread, or some combination thereof, Ill be happy to consult with you about it.

Im beginning my 27^th year of doing just that for dozens of satisfied clients. I guarantee my work, and never charge a fee for an initial review or consultation. Call me at (480) 895-7617, or email me at bob@kellygram.com, and let me show you how you can look good on paper.

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TAX TALK

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I dont know who counted them, but I have it on good authority that the Internal Revenue Code contains about three million words. For those keeping score at home, thats about four times as many as in the entire Bible, and has to be a world record for wordiness, not to mention obfuscation (Oh, sorry; I just mentioned it see "A Final Word" below).

Our nations first income tax law was passed by Congress in 1862. It was abolished in 1872 and reinstated in 1894, lasting only one year until the U.S. Supreme Court ruled it unconstitutional. (No wonder they were called "The Good Old Days.") Income taxes became a permanent fixture in 1913 with the passage of the 16^th Amendment to the Constitution. Today, the IRS has about twice the budget of the FBI, and eight times as many employees.

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SMILE AWHILE

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Death and Taxes

Tax his cow, tax his goat, tax his pants, tax his coat,

Tax his crops, tax his work, tax his tie, tax his shirt,

Tax his chew, tax his smoke; teach him taxes are no joke.

Tax his tractor, tax his mule; teach him taxes are a rule,

Tax his oil, tax his gas, tax his notes, tax his cash;

Tax him good and let him know after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers, tax him more; tax him til hes good and sore;

Tax his coffin, tax his grave, tax the sod in which he lies.

Put these words upon his tomb: "Taxes drove me to my doom."

But even then he cant relax; theyll still be after Inheritance Tax!

(Anonymous)

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ODDS AND ENDS

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Back Issues:

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A FINAL WORD

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Obfuscate: to darken; to cause to become obscure; to be evasive, unclear or confusing; to make dim or indistinct; to bewilder or stupefy; to muddle or perplex. Any questions? Didnt think so. Happy April 15!

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