The KellyGram

Published by Bob Kelly

Resident Wordsmith and Quotemeister

WordCrafters, Inc.

www.wordcrafters.info

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In This Issue:

• The Quote Corner (Advertising)
• It Aint What You Say!
• What a Coincidence!
• Planning a Book?
• Smile Awhile
• Odds and Ends
• A Final Word

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THE QUOTE CORNER (Advertising)

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Recently, a friend sent me an article listing some once common and popular terms we dont hear anymore. They included "store bought," "coast to coast," and "in a family way." That reminded me of another one: "truth in advertising." Those first three, while a tad old-fashioned, are still accurate (we still buy in stores, travel across the country and have babies), but there doesnt seem to be much truth left in advertising these days.

Consider those full-page magazine ads promoting telephone calling cards, which

proclaim, in large type, "Call for Less," promoting prices of one cent per minute in the U.S. and two cents a minute worldwide. Then, in smaller type, appear the words, "just 49 cents to connect," followed by the nearly unreadable fine print which states that, among other things, the rates dont apply to cell phones, and that calls from pay phones cost more, and that theres a monthly "service charge."

Clearly, these ads are aimed at folks who arent too swift at math. If you make a 10-minute call, it wont cost you 10 cents, but 59 cents. Thats a shade under six cents a minute, not counting that monthly service charge, and not applicable if you called a cell phone, or from a pay phone. A quick call home, announcing youre on your way, could cost you half a buck or more.

Now, I dont mean to tar every advertiser with the same brush. There are lots of honest ones out there, but there ought to be some checks and balances on those to whom truth in advertising is a sham. In their "honor," we submit the following quotations (well present the other side of the coin next month):

Advertising is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. (Fred Allen)

From any cross-section of ads, the general advertisers attitude would seem to be: if you are a lousy, smelly, idle, underprivileged and over-sexed status-seeking neurotic moron, give me your money. (Kenneth Bromfield)

Advertising is a racket.You cannot be honest without admitting that its constructive contribution to humanity is exactly minus zero. (F. Scott Fitzgerald)

The trouble with us in America isnt that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy. (Louis Kronenberger)

Society drives people crazy with lust and calls it advertising. (John Lahr)

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. (Stephen Leacock)

You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough. (Joseph Levine)

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. (Sinclair Lewis)

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. (George Orwell)

Whenever you hear the word save, it is usually the beginning of an advertisement designed to make you spend money. (Renée Pierre-Gosset)

Living in an age of advertisement, we are perpetually disillusioned. (J.B. Priestly)

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they dont have for something they dont need. (Will Rogers)

Advertising is the modern substitute for argument; its function is to make the worse appear the better. (George Santayana)

Advertising is the art of making whole lies out of half truths. (Edgar A. Shoaff)

Advertising is legalized lying. (H.G. Wells)

If you think advertising doesnt work, consider the millions of Americans who now think that yogurt tastes good. (Joe L. Whitley)

The incessant witless repetition of advertisers moronic fodder has become so much a part of life that if we are not careful, we forget to be insulted by it. (Anonymous)

(Note: These quotations are taken from our collection of nearly 400 published volumes of quotations and 1.5 million entries. If youre looking for some quotes on virtually any subject, send us an email at bob@kellygram.com, or call us at 480-895-7617. Or, if you have a quote topic youd like us to feature in an upcoming issue, email it to us and well get it on the schedule.)

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Somewhere in the dim and distant past, I remember a song that included the words: "It aint what you say, its the way that you say it." I searched for it in vain on the Internet, probably because it was a very, very looooong time ago. I know its not a figment of my imagination, because I still remember the tune. Dont ask me to sing it, though; it would be much too painful for anyone within earshot.

What brought this to mind was a candy bar wrapper. Im probably one of the worlds leading consumers of chocolate, and among my favorite candies are Dove Promises. Each bite-sized piece comes individually wrapped in foil, on which is imprinted a brief message. Its sort of like a fortune cookie for chocolate freaks.

The messages mostly offer bits of folksy advice, such as: "Go against the grain; Make your eyes twinkle; Buy yourself flowers," etc. You get the picture.

Recently, I opened one I hadnt seen before. It read: "Lose yourself in a moment." To me, it sounded a bit like "Get lost," although I dont think thats what the writer intended.

In writing or speaking, its important that the words we choose accurately convey our meaning. One young man learned this the hard way when he sought advice from a friend on how to make a good first impression on the attractive new female employee in his department. "Compliment her on her good looks," his friend advised. "For example, say to her: When I look at you, time stands still."

Unfortunately, the eager young man blurted out his message somewhat differently. "Your face would stop a clock," he told the young lady, earning a response exactly opposite to what he had intended.

Some time ago, I read a "how to" article, in which the author was advising his audience to "stick to the basics" in their writing endeavors. The words he chose were: "Go to the fundament." I hadnt seen that variation of "fundamental" before, so I checked it out in the dictionary.

Sure enough, one of the definitions was "a basic principle," but it was ranked as #3. The first two definitions were: 1) buttocks; and 2) anus.

There are a couple of lessons here. The first is: It aint what you say; its the way that you say it. The second is: Dont get cute with your choice of words; the law of unintended consequences may be the result.

The late French novelist and playwright Jean-Paul Sartre once warned that "Words are loaded pistols." So be careful how you use them. You could shoot yourself in the foot or perhaps in the fundament.

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WHAT A COINCIDENCE!

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One of my clients is the Colorado chapter of National Speakers Association, which has retained me to write and publish its monthly newsletter. In the most recent issue, I included a condensed version of an article Id written some time ago, outlining the advantages of using quotations in a speech.

In it, I quoted the author of one of my 400 volumes of quotations, explaining why she never had any fear of public speaking. "One of the most significant reasons," she wrote, "is because I never go up there alone. I always take a variety of people with me people whose words or thoughts or deeds comfort me, inspire me, stimulate me.I have never found a better way to enhance the communications process than by reinforcing the points or concepts I wish to make with timely, memorable quotations."

On my way to a monthly authors and speakers luncheon I attend regularly, I stopped at the printer to pick up the issue of the newsletter in which my article appeared. As the luncheon got underway, I noticed a woman arrive whom Id never seen before.

Imagine my surprise when our host introduced her. A prominent Arizonan, her name is Carolyn Warner, a former Arizona school superintendent and gubernatorial candidate, and the author of The Last Word: A Treasury of Women's Quotations, published by Prentice-Hall in 1992.

The words I quoted above are from her Introduction in that book. Then it was her turn to be surprised, as I presented her with a copy of the newsletter in which the article appeared, and which had come off the press just about two hours earlier.

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PLANNING A BOOK? IT HAD BETTER BE GOOD!

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Is 2006 the year youre finally going to finish writing that book youve been thinking about for so long? Why not? Lots and lots of others are doing so. But the numbers are awfully intimidating. According to R.R. Bowker, LLC, there were 195,000 books published in 2004, an all-time high, and an increase of 72 percent since 1995. And, a book by a typical author averages a mere 11,800 copies sold.

To be successful in a very crowded marketplace, and to beat that average, there are two essentials. First, it has to be very well-written and highly readable, and, second, you must be prepared to spend a considerable amount of time, energy and money to market it. It doesnt matter if you self-publish or use a traditional publisher, sales of your book will depend on Y-O-U.

I dont do book marketing, but can direct you to some folks wholl work with you. However, I can certainly help you, as I have many other authors, put together a book youll be proud to put your name on. Whether you need it ghostwritten, edited, proofread, or some combination thereof, Ill be happy to consult with you about it.

Im beginning my 27^th year of doing just that for dozens of satisfied clients. I guarantee my work, and never charge a fee for an initial review or consultation. Call me at (480) 895-7617, or email me at bob@kellygram.com, and let me show you how you can look good on paper.

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SMILE AWHILE

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According to Rose Murrays Canadian Christmas Cooking book, fruitcakes taste better when theyre created weeks before the holidays. They become moist and mellow and improve in flavor, especially for those aged in alcohol or even fruit juice. This allows cakes to keep for months, sometimes years, if stored properly. I have of course known this for years and have just completed my new home addition made from last years fruitcakes. (Jerry Jenkins)
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ODDS AND ENDS

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A FINAL WORD

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The old year dies and we face the new year as though it were an entity, new as a newborn babe.Yet, all our yesterdays are summarized in our now, and all the tomorrows are ours to shapeand years end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us. (Hal Borland)

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© 2006 by Bob Kelly. All rights reserved.