The KellyGram

Published by Bob Kelly

Resident Wordsmith and Quotemeister

WordCrafters, Inc.

www.wordcrafters.info

________________________________________________________________________

In This Issue:

• The Quote Corner (Eating)
• Oxymoronica
• Linguistic Absurdities
• Writing Problems? Let Us Help!
• Smile Awhile
• Back Issues
• A Final Word

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE QUOTE CORNER (Eating)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Im no longer the baseball fan I once was although, with spring training underway, reading about the activities of several of the teams training here in the Phoenix area awakened a few memories. For many years, my dad was with The New York Times and, every March, my mom and he would head to either Florida or Arizona, where hed check on the activities of the Yankees or Dodgers or Giants, all of them New York teams back then.

One of my favorite memories involves the Yankees, specifically an event that took place while they were training in Florida in 1921. (No, I wasnt there; it was long before my time.) I read about it when Babe Ruths autobiography, appropriately titled The Babe Ruth Story, (as told to Bob Considine) was released. What makes it a special memory is a story Ruth told about my dad.

He wrote: "Ray Kellywas a kid baseball writer with us that yearand just about the best-eating newspaperman I ever saw. I was interested in such things. Ray was with the old Tribune at that time, and the club roomed him with a young reporter from the Post, Bob Kelley, who had been gassed during the first World War and was given to fainting spellsWe called Ray Carniverous Kelly and Bob Collapsible Kelly.

"I now had a body of 220 pounds and it took a lot of foodSome of the writers tried to plot up an eating contest between me and Carniverous Kelly. I was willing to take on anybody, including a hungry cannibal, but Hug [Yankee manager Miller Huggins] heard about it and nixed the idea."

My dad always denied the story but, having often watched him eat, I can testify that he was definitely a skilled knife and fork man, and I have no doubt about the storys accuracy.

Now, with that lengthy introduction out of the way, well get right to this months quotes. No, theyre not about baseball, but rather, in memory of the late "Carniverous Kelly," about food and related topics.

What you eat standing up doesnt count. (Beth Barnes)

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the "Titanic" who waved off the dessert cart. (Erma Bombeck)

I knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. (Johnny Carson)

Im allergic to food. Every time I eat, it breaks out in fat. (Jennifer Greene Duncan)

If I were reincarnated, Id want to come back as a buzzard. He can eat anything. (William Faulkner)

Never eat more than you can lift. (Miss Piggy)

My husband thinks that health food is anything he eats before the expiration date. (Rita Rudner)

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. (Calvin Trillin)

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. (Mark Twain)

My doctor put me on a no-starch diet. However, I can eat all the soap and bleach I want. (Pat Williams)

I just went on the Cleveland diet. You can eat only what can live in Lake Erie. (Pat Williams)

Im on the acupuncture diet. I eat anything I want and lose weight through leakage. (Pat Williams)

Never eat in a restaurant where the Chefs Special is the Heimlich Maneuver. (Anonymous)

Snacks consumed at a movie dont count; theyre part of the entertainment. (Anonymous)

Food taken for medicinal purposes doesnt count. This includes toast, hot chocolate, brandy and chocolate. (Anonymous)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OXYMORONICA

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oxymoronica: its the name of a book but, as far as we can tell, you wont find the word in any dictionaries. However, it doesnt take much of a word sleuth to recognize that its related to "oxymoron," defined as "a combination of contradictory or incongruous words," such as "cruel kindness" and "acting naturally." One of my personal favorites is something a friend of mine used to say when asked about an upcoming decision or choice he was facing. His answer invariably was: "Im positively tentative."

Oxymorons can also be used with words which technically arent contradictory, but which can be combined in derogatory or insulting ways: "military intelligence" and "postal service" are two common examples.

Compiled by psychologist, marriage counselor and consultant Mardy Grothe, Ph.D., oxymoronica (yes, its all lower-case) is a delightful collection of 1,400 quotations which, in his words, "appear illogical or self-contradictory on the surface [but] at a deeper level, usually make a great deal of sense and are often profoundly true."

Released by HarperCollins Publishers in 2004, oxymoronica is Dr. Grothes second book. His first, published in 1999, was titled Never Let a Fool Kiss You or a Kiss Fool You, and is a compilation of chiastic quotations. As we explained in our March 2004 issue, chiasmus is defined as "an inversion in the order of words in two corresponding parallel phrases or clauses, or of words when repeated." One example we used was: "People dont care how much you know until they know how much you care."

After we got in touch with Mardy, we began subscribing to his delightful and informative weekly ezine called: Dr. Mardys Quotes Of The Week: A Weekly Celebration of Chiastic, Oxymoronic, & Paradoxical Quotations. For a free subscription, send a blank email message to: chiasmus-on@mail-list.com. You may also want to look in on his websites: www.drmardygrothe.com; www.chiasmus.com; and www.oxymoronica.com.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LINGUISTIC ABSURDITIES!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just when we think weve heard all the weird and wacky words there are, someone comes up with new ones. Here are a few weve just stumbled upon: masstige, sugging, frugging and presenteeism. Youre probably all familiar with them and use them regularly in conversation but, just in case, permit me to define them.

"Masstige" is a combination of "mass" and "prestige" and indicates a trend in which so-called prestigious designers have condescended to create apparel, furniture and other items for sale in Target and other stores that cater to us common folk. How noble of them!

"Sugging" and "frugging" refer to the devious telephone tactics some organizations are now using (Imagine that!) to circumvent the regulations of the "Do Not Call" list. Telemarketers try to keep you on the phone by positioning themselves as researchers. "Sugging" stands for "selling under the guise of research," and "Frugging" for "fundraising under the guise of research."